"Blessed are the poor in spirit, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven."

Hello
it's been a few months since I last wrote...

It's been work and maybe even a sense of restlessness that's been keeping me away from this space... Haha so yeah here I am...

Well I don't really know what to write, but let's see how it goes...

I guess the things which I've been feeling and going through haven't really changed from the last entry I wrote a few months ago...

There are still the same feelings towards sin and the vulnerability that I often feel when I'm faced with it...

I've been thinking and realised that for most part of this second half of the year, God's been breaking me very slowly.. With the trials, failures, victories and battles; this Christian Walk isn't as it seemed at the beginning or maybe even at the start of the year...

I remember what I was struggling with last year... And from reading a friend's blog and seeing others, the memories of it came flooding back...

In the year 2002, for much of it I was struggling with the lost of ACS (haha, here we go)
I won't really bore you with the details, but what I would like to say is that they way I look at those trials now is very different from before...

Those times at ACS meant alot to me, they were sacred pillars that defined who I was and I loved it...
Loved it more than God in His eyes...

And so He took it away, and made me a crippled man...

For this year, especially after the year end camp, I believe God has been bringing me to Him... Quite frankly, for most of the early part of the year, I believed that He did take the place ACS, but I'm not so sure now...

It's hard...

It's hard following God and I'm so afraid... I used to be so sure of God, so sure of everything... had my walk with all figured out.... But the past few months and more recently, these past weeks.... I've kind of lost that confidence, that self-assuredness... maybe even that passion...

I've been broken.. very slowly...

I thought I knew Him...
He said I did'nt...

Walking with God isn't what I've thought it was... Many things have happened... and this has made me very tired... Tired of fighting really... weary of the world... Maybe I need a rest... I don't know... Maybe I've been trying too hard

God has called me to seek Him... To follow Him with all my heart....

And it's hard and soo frightening.. I don't know how, and I have to trust Him for that.... Everything I do has to be in faith... and I'm scared

I don't know the way anymore...
And I'm scared to come to Him...even though He's the closest person to me...

Don't get me wrong, God has been good.. truly I believe that with my entire being...
Without Him and His grace, I would have given up before... But He has always been soo faithful.. so beautiful..


It's just me...
I'm tired of me... tired of disobeying, feeling this way, fighting, denying myself....

maybe I need rest...

maybe I just need some time with Him...

A Prayer:
"Abba... I love You... Thank You so much"
posted by Dan at 9:30 AM

 
But if it is by grace, it is no longer on the basis of works, otherwise grace is no longer grace.

Woah it's been awhile since I last blogged huh
Must say been extrememly busy with school, church, outside school activities and God.

Last week was really hectic cos of the number of assignments and datelines I had to meet.. Next week seems to be the similar as well...

Well I don't really know what to write for this entry because as always, lots of things have been happening in my life and also in my walk with the Lord...

A few weeks ago, I prayed to God asking Him to bring me to a point where I could really see myself as who I really was.. To see pass all the fluff like: Dan is studying in a polytechnic; he can play the guitar; he is a christian; he is an ex-acsian.... To look pass the superficialities and to see myself as who I was and bring myself before God as I was...

And after asking this, it has been a trying few weeks. God has answered my prayer and has in time, revealed to me who I really was-->A very sinful person.

I used to see see myself in high esteem. I used to think that I was better than other people, I was more gifted, more obedient, better in this and that... Maybe not the most righteous person around you know... But I was pretty good, I could obey God... I could wake up early to do quiet time... I tried my best to love people... I devtoted my all to His service... All in all, I thought I was pretty good... I was OK with God

Not as much anymore though...

God has been showing me just how sinful, disobedient, selfish and bad I really am... It's like I can say "I love You Lord and I would give my life to You" and soon I would find myself sinning... God showed me how wretched and sinful I really was...

I felt really horrible and thus, I did tried to change myself by doing all the "right" things....

I went for bible studies, I tired to lead a disciplined life, I started praying for people, holding onto what I believed God wanted me to do with all my strength

But the harder the tried, the more I realised that when I obeyed and did these "right" chrisitian things, I wasn't changing at all... The motivations behind these "righteous" acts were all for self glorification... I did these things so that I would be a better a person, so that I be holy... Everything I did was tainted with self and with this, it just showed me just how sinful I was again...

Sin was my motivation... Sin was in everything I did...

The harder I tried the more I sinned.....

How could I say that I love God when everything I did was sin?

The lie I had of myself, the righteous picture and idea of the christian Dan that I had in my mind has now changed to a person who really does'nt deserve anything...

I am a horrible person, a sinful man... There is no denying this anymore...

And this has been hard to accept. Having to live with the knowledge that truly I am not worthy of anything...

I am not brushing away any of what Christ has done to deal with this sin in me, because I know for sure that He has saved me and that the sin which is in me is no longer my master.. I do not serve sin anymore because I have been saved by his blood...

But now I guess it's harder to see myself in the same light I did before because there is nothing to be proud abt anymore... Nothing to boast about because all I see in sin.. And sin I hate..

I don't really know where I'm going with this entry but these are some of the thoughts that has been going through my mind the pass few weeks.... Well at least now I know that I can do nothing to change and save myself from my fate because, truly, only Jesus can do that...

And so as Paul did, so will I.
I have made my choice will wait on Him to save me and change me from this body of death and sin to a living sacrifice holy and pleasing to Him alone.

Wretched man that I am! Who will set me free from the body of this death?
Thanks be to God through Jesus Christ our Lord! So then, on the one hand I myself with my mind am serving the law of God, but on the other, with my flesh the law of sin.


posted by Dan at 11:07 PM

 
There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit.

Heehee
got this from melvin..
fun and shallow quiz...
C'mon you would do the same
haha

WHAT IS YOUR FULL NAME? Dan Pek Chern-tai

NICKNAMES: whiner, spolier, bucketeer, wuss

SEX: I am man

BIRTHDAY: 12th July

WHERE DO YOU LIVE? in a house

SEX OR ICE-CREAM? What flavour?

WHAT COLOUR UNDERWEAR ARE YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? You want me to bend down to look right?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT NOW? sitting down

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU DID? copy and paste this

WHAT IS RIGHT NEXT TO YOU? my fan

WHO WAS THE LAST PERSON YOU ATE OUT WITH? I ate with 3

IF YOU WERE A TOY, WHAT WOULD YOU BE? toothbrush

WHERE WOULD YOU WANT TO GO ON YOUR HONEYMOON? Iraqi bomb field(It's very exciting) haha probably Israel

WHO WOULD YOU WANT TO SPEND THE REST OF YOUR LIFE WITH? God!!

HOW MANY BUDDIES DO YOU HAVE ON YOUR LIST? There's a list?

LAST PERSON YOU SPOKE TO ON THE PHONE? My maid

LAST PERSON WHO TEXT YOU: Karen

LAST PERSON YOU TEXT: Karen

WHAT'S YOUR RING TONE? Ring ring

DO YOU LIKE THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU? Uhmmm it's one of those loaded questions right? Haha

WHAT DO YOU THINK A TOBLERONE IS? This is a trick question right? I bet you want me to say it's chocolate but it's not right... Well
it's a chicken in a hay stak

AGE?: 18

HAIR?: Black

YOU WEARING RIGHT NOW? Shorts and t-shirt

DO YOU WEAR CONTACTS? Only for sports

WHAT COLLEGE DO YOU ATTEND? Does poly count?

WHO DO CONSIDER YOUR CLOSEST/BESTEST FRIENDS? I got a group of weird people whom I spend alot of time with haha

WHAT WAS THE BEST ADVICE EVER GIVEN TO YOU? Who do you serve

DO YOU OWN A VEHICLE? My mom does

HAVE YOU EVER WON A SPECIAL AWARD? define special?

WHAT ARE YOUR FUTURE PLANS? Serve God

FAVOURITE FOOD? Edible type

FAVOURITE FILM? They are all alright

LAST FILM YOU SAW AT CINEMA? Finding Nemo

FAVE DAY OF THE YEAR? Christmas or fridays

FAVE BOYS COLOGNE? Sweat

DO YOU LIKE TO DANCE? I can't

ARE YOU TOO SHY TO ASK ANYONE OUT? I ask my friends out all the time

IF YOU COULD CHANGE YOUR NAME TO ANTHING, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Daniel I think...(Hoho Mooo)

DO YOU SLEEP NAKED? Haha

HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN LOVE? I am

WHAT IS THE MOST STUPID THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE? Does filling this thing count?

DO YOU LIKE SCARY OR HAPPY MOVIES: Happy

CHRISTMAS OR EASTER? Christmas

LUST OR LOVE? Love

KISSES OR HUGS? Don't know

IF YOU COULD CHANGE ONE THING, WHAT COULD IT BE? Be less self-centred?

WHAT COLOUR ARE YOUR PYJAMAS? Don't wear them

WHAT COLOUR'S YOUR TOOTHBRUSH? White and blue

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THIS SURVEY? I'm quite embarassed now filling it up

DO YOU WANT YOUR FRIENDS TO WRITE BACK? They can try

WHO IS THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Me

WHO IS THE LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? I don't know

FAVE PART OF THE OPPOSITE SEX? Character... Hair if it's a physical trait

WORST FEELING IN THE WORLD: Rejection

FAVE SOUND: God

WHATS THE FIRST THING YOU THINK OF WHEN YOU WAKE UP? God and praying

ROLLER COASTER, SCARY OR EXCITING? Dumb

HOW MANY TIMES DO YOU LET THE PHONE RING BEFORE YOU ANSWER IT? Yes I count every SINGLE time it rings before I pick it up

IF YOU COULD MEET ONE PERSON, DEAD OR ALIVE, WHO WOULD IT BE? Jesus

FAVE QUOTE: To Love You, Take my world apart

ZODIAC SIGN : Cancer

IF YOU COULD HAVE ANY JOB IN THE WORLD WHAT WOULD IT BE? Pastor or Worship Leader

IS THE GLASS HALF EMPTY OR HALF FULL? It's full

WHATS YOUR FAVE NUMBER? 7

SOMETHING NICE ABOUT THE PERSON WHO SENT THIS TO YOU: He's Suu

CHOCOLATE, WHITE OR MILK? Milo

ROOT BEER OR DOCTOR PEPPER? Root beer

MUD OR JELLY WRESTLING? Jelly

SKIING OR BOARDING? Boarding? As in plane?

SUMMER OR WINTER? Winter

CAKE OR PIE? Pie

SILVER OR GOLD? Silver

DIAMONDS OR PEARLS? Diamonds

SUNRISE OR SUNSET? Sunrise

HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN A BONE? No

DO YOU HATE ANYONE? Yes but not anymore

DO YOU BELIEVE IN FIGHTING? No

WHAT DO YOU DREAM ABOUT? Worshipping God

DO YOU HAVE A HUGE CRUSH ON SOMEONE RIGHT NOW? Not anymore

WHO DO YOU TURN TO FOR ADVICE: God

WHO'S THE FIRST TO ASK IN COLLEGE/WORK IF YOU'RE ALRIGHT? Chang

IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SKILL IN LIFE, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Music

WHO ARE YOUR TOP FIVE BEST FRIENDS? Jesus,Chang, Yado, Justin, Ben

WHERE IS YOUR FAVOURITE PLACE TO SHOP? Christian Book and Cd shops

DO YOU DO DRUGS? Panadol

WHAT ARE YOU SCARED OF? Seperation from God

WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? 'Get on' by Third Day

YOU WANT TO GET MARRIED: I think it's inevitable(Ayah yes and no)

COLOUR: Blue

SUBJECTS IN COLLEGE: Mass Communications

CD or TAPE? CD

ANIMAL: Beef

- - HAVE YOU EVER - -

GIVEN SOMEONE A BATH? I bathe everyday

BUNJEE JUMPED? No

BROKEN THE LAW? Which one?

GONE SKINNY DIPPING? No

FIRST THING THAT COMES TO MIND
GRASS: Field

ZEBRA: The animal

SOCKS: Socks

DUMB: Hoho too many

ps:EEEEEEWWWWW I just did a gal test
posted by Dan at 6:24 AM

 
Dan, you are mildly left-hemisphere dominant while showing a slight preference for auditory processing. This overall combination seems to indicate a well-working blend of logic and judgment and organization, with sufficient intuition, perception and creativity to balance that dominance.

You will at times experience conflict between how you feel and what you think which will generally be resolved in favor of what you think. You will find yourself interested in the practical applications of whatever material you have learned or whatever situation you face and will retain the ability to refine whatever knowledge you possess or aspects of whatever position you are in.

By and large, you will orient yourself toward intellectual activities and structure. Though not rigid, you will schedule yourself, plan, and focus on routine and continuity of operations, rather than on changes and disruptions

When changes or disruptions occur, you are likely to consider first how to ensure that such disruptions do The same balance is reflected in your sensory preference. You will tend to be reflective and measured in your interaction style. For the most part, you will be considered objective without being cold and goal-oriented while retaining the capacity to listen to others.

Preferentially you learn by listening and maintaining significant internal dialogues with yourself. Nevertheless, you have sufficient visualization capabilities to benefit from using graphs, charts, doodles, or even body movement to enhance your comprehension and memory.

To the extent that you are even implicitly aware of your hemispheric dominance and sensory style, you will feel most comfortable in those arenas which emphasize verbal skills and logic. Teaching, law, and science are those that stand out among the professions, along with technical sales and management.


posted by Dan at 5:31 AM

 
Then Jesus answered and said to them."Most asssuredly I say to you, the Son can do nothing of Himself, but what He sees the Father do; for whatever He does, the Son also does in like manner."

Haha
Yes I'm finally updating after a few weeks.
Hello

Anyhow, I think I've been trying to hard...
trying too hard to be a good disciple of God
See been doing some thinking about my walk with Him(again)...

Uhhh from the many nice and encouraging comments from people of saying how 'spiritual' or 'holy' I am, I've got to confess I really am not really such a 'good' chrisitan...

In fact I'm really quite a sinful person of weak character...

God has been humbling me over the past few weeks of this holidays...
I remember when my 2 months holidays first started, I had this deep innate desire to want to give my all to obey God and to live for Him...
To use this holidays to really chase after Him and glorify Him

Looking back I don't really know whether this desire was of Him or my own to prove myself...

Anyhow during the first month of the holidays, I remember trying to force myself to wake up early to do QT(quiet time), then I would continue to do 2 Bible studies on different topics... The time I had with the written word of God daily, was at least 3 hours... During the free time I had, I would prevent myself from playing computer games or watching the television; the only form of recreation I had during the weekdays was my guitar or blibical christian books..

Apart from these, wanting to be a good christian and a good steward of my physical body, I tried to force myself to run at least 3 times a week, abstain from unhealthy food and tried to make myself sleep early and wake up early..

Trying to be a good ambassador for God, I tried to spend as much time with my family(whom I'm not exactly very close with) even to the point of spending less time with my friends and doing things which I would rather 'enjoy'...

Yup all this and more, all for God...

Every thought, word or deed came under scrutiny... I would find myself asking for forgiveness constantly for hateful, lustful, selfish thoughts.... Find myself condemning myself for every idle word or 'inappropriate' joke and questioning my every motive and deed...

"Am I doing this for God or myself?"
"Am I obeying God if I were to do this or that..."
"Would God want me to this or that?"
"Is there a God?"(haha)

I found myself doing all this and more because I wanted to 'love' God with my all...
I'm not saying that these were bad and all now, but like I said earlier... maybe I was trying too hard...

The more I tried to 'deny myself' and to devote my efforts to 'Godly' ones, I found myself becoming jaded, hateful and most of all...tired
Tired of obeying...

It came to the point where, when I did not 'obey', I would find myself condemning myself and thinking that God would be angry at me and I would'nt be worthy to carry His name anymore...
That when I did not obey, He did not love me 'as much' anymore...

A simple thing like being late for an appointment would denouce my status as a child of God...

Thoughts like...
"You're not trying hard enough"
"You don't love God as much because you did so and so...."

I soon became scared of God and His wrath because of my inability to 'obey' Him...

Following God soon became a set of rules, a standard to follow...
And when I could'nt follow, I just was'nt good enough, it made me question whether I was even born again...

What started out as an innocent desire to really pursue after God just became 'something which I MUST do...'

By the second month I was tired... tired of following... But I could'nt give up because I was afraid of losing the one thing that was most important to me...

But it was during this month that I began to learn alot about God...

He showed me who He was...
He majesty, His power, His creation...
His ability to be faithful to His word....
His promises...
Who He was

and ultimately...
His love for me...

I don't really know how to elaborate on these points but like I said, God's been humbling me right?

I guess what I did'nt realise at the start of the holidays was that the desire to obey God was also a desire to prove myself worthy to following Him...

To prove my ability in following God....
That's why He's been questioning me...
"Have you been trying too hard?"

He made me realise, that no matter how hard I try to follow Him, I will always fail apart from Him... No matter how much I may 'feel' empowered to do great and mighty things for Him, I cannot do anything on my own..

And He made me realise, whether I like it or not, I am a sinner...
You know how sometimes we try to make ourselves feel better by obeying God and trying to tell ourselves we're 'OK' because we have obeyed Him? That we are better off than those murderers or ungodly people because we've done more good than them...

Well in God's eyes, we're no different from them... At least for me, I know I am no better than any of them.. I am just as lustful, selfish, greedy, dishonest, ambitious, evil as them...
The only difference that I may have from them is that I have Jesus Christ in my life, I have His blood over my sin...

In fact, I truly believe the only Good thing in me is Him...
I've begun to see just how wretched I am from the many things I have done in the midst of wanting to obey Him with my all

The only way I can be right before God is not what I can do, or my desires for Him.. that accounts to nothing... Unless, I acknowledge Him as my Lord and Saviour...
His blood alone accounts to my righteousness before Him...
His blood alone has made me, a sinner become a holy saint...
His blood alone tells me that He loves me regardless of what I do...

So at the end of 2 months, and school looming ahead, I think my perspective has changed..

I thought I would return to school as a 'better', 'holier' person because of my time spent with God...

But I know that I'm returning to school now as sinner who has come to know abit more about the grace and love of His heavenly Father...

Ps: Hello Kaye.. Yes I have updated
posted by Dan at 2:29 AM

 

You are Ephesians.


Which book of the Bible are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Hoho
Good fun
posted by Dan at 8:40 AM

 
Therefore we also, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us lay aside every weight, and the sin which so easily ensnares us, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking unto Jesus, the author and finisher of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of the throne of God.'

Thought I would jot down a few thoughts tonight
Because being Dan, I've began neglecting this blog again.

I'm going to write as they come so pardon me if it gets abit melodrama. Haha I tend to write like that sometimes.

I've been struggling with some stuff for awhile already...
Not as bad as before but only by God's grace has it been alright; even good at times... But though I've tried to remain positive in the midst of testing and growing, I cannot ignore the struggles I've been going through...

Currently, I'm being tested in a few areas... Below are some...

My faith God: The very same struggles which I've been going through for awhile already. Yes I've began to know so much more through reading the Word and also been blessed enough to have been touched by God in ways I've never experienced before, but somehow, I always find myself doubting. Doubting whether the experiences I have are just my own, doubting the credibility of the Bible. Everything makes sense and everything does fit together nicely: the experiences and knowledge of the Truth; but I still doubt. It's quite hard as in I really don't want to doubt, but I always end up finding myself doubting...

Emotions: having to love others. Been struggling with loving in the midst of lusting. Having to deny your emotions and yet display Godly love continually is what I've found myself being led to doing. And it's been a battle... One that I've been only been able to fight only by His grace. Besides that, I'm also learning and having to love even when it hurts. Denying my emotions at times to cater to other people's needs. Having to give of myself and to put others above me even at my own expense. Having to listen and to care for people who just seem so stuck in their own problems who may not always seem to care.

I'm not trying to complain about this having to love because I know every follower of Jesus Christ is called to this. Its part and parcel of obeying and loving Him: To love your neighbour as yourself. I don't always accomplish this but when I do, I realise just how draining it really is...

Denying myself: Having to submit every thought and every action in obedience to Him. Not being able to do the things which I may naturally want to do at times and having to do the things which I find difficult doing alot of times... Being confused continually about what to do; where my actions and decisions stand in the grand scheme of His Will... Constantly checking my every move, thought, motive, desire, action... Having to remain faithful even when I find myself stretched... Submitting my very will to Him

Standing up for my faith: Having to believe in something when every one in my household seem to be against. Questioning my own stance and faith in God... Asking whether they are right and if I had heard wrongly from Him. Having to walk by faith even when logically, I seem to be out of my mind. Fighting the doubts which come so frequently... Having to put my entire future and life on something which isn't even tangible at the moment.

Had the monthly Teacher's and Youth leaders’ prayer meeting tonight...
Was emotionally 'hurt' by a close friend tonight. I don't know what got into me because I'm usually have my feelings in check(Haha); but any how he said something and made everyone laugh at me while I was sharing something very important, serious and close to my heart... (This is coming from a very subjective perspective...)

Anyhow I left early because I couldn’t stay to pray with the people because I knew my heart was not in the right state and I would be more of a liability than an asset...
I also needed some time alone with my Lord

On the way home as I was walking, thoughts of doubt and anger and bitterness started creeping in...
Questions like:
"Where's God now?"
"Are you just crying to nothingness? Wanting to cling onto something to find comfort even though there really is nothing?"
"What's the point of trying so hard to deny your feelings? Trying to love others when all they do is laugh back at you and not even know that you are hurt?"
"Why try to remain holy and pure? Why even try soo hard when all you get in the end is frustration?"

I asked God to help me answer these doubts; to touch me in a way He had always done when I was in my low points... But the more I asked and pleaded, the more frustrated I became... No answer, no reply... No sense of peace... Only bitterness and hurt and doubt...

I asked God for a sign, a flash of light, a miracle even; anything to help me continue to believe in Him.... To prove my doubts wrong that what I did believe in, though I've never seen or touched, is a reality...

But... no answer....

The doubts and emotions started to grow stronger as I began wrestling with my faith and this walk which I have chosen to take... This faith which has already cost me soo much... Was I really disillusioned? Was all this effort to help others and do good come to nothing? Is what I believe in real?

I began reasoning and battling with my faith and logic.... And soon, I did start to lose heart...
"Maybe I AM just disillusioned...."

And then I saw it...

In the pale night sky, etched above the roofs of houses, stood a Cross illuminating it's light through the darkness.

And it all made sense...
I could choose to wallow in doubt and self pity...
or choose to believe in God's answer..

Jesus went through all that and more than I'll ever know or go through....
How can I doubt? How can I stop loving? How can I fall away?
When He didn’t...

How can I give up? How can I walk away? How can I give in?
When He didn't...

When He withstood all the emotional pain, spiritual battles, temptation, lonliness, when the people who were closest to Him all left when He needed them the most...

He went through all that to die on that cross for me...
that I may have life...

all this for me...
How can I do anything else but follow?

That was His answer to me

ps: Yes.. I am a wuss Haha

posted by Dan at 8:24 AM